Wednesday, October 31, 2007 . 6:24 PM
Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find
Is it possible Mr Lovable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
Here we go again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone
Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
The song literally sings for me. Just edit "Mr Lovable" though.Sigh.
Monday, October 29, 2007 . 8:27 PM
Had my first proper Sports & Wellness class on Thursday and it was pretty good. Our coach for street soccer is the national coach as well, so it was pretty cool to have him point out our mistakes and techniques. We were divided randomly into four teams: Red, Blue, Yellow, Green. =.=". I was hoping for something less primary school-ish... Anyway, there were an odd number people so my team (Yellow) had 7 players instead of 6; 5 on the court, 1 substitute (2 in my case). The teams were pretty much balanced and that was when coach announced that there is going to be a league for the 6 months we're playing. And the prize for the team who wins the league gets a private performance of NP's Magnum Force. (Best cheer-leading in Singapore lah...)Hehehehehe...all the guys are gonna work hard for that...Spent all of Friday, Saturday and Sunday helping out Xin Yi, Lee Hua and Hanafie in their O Level English. Hanafie kept being persistent on using cheem vocab words while Sam and I kept telling him that grammar was much more important than vocab. Xin Yi and Lee Hua weren't too bad themselves: I could understand Xin Yi's points in her compos easily and Lee Hua's written English has improved by miles. I just hope that all three of them get better than a C6 this time. Then all three of them can fulfill their dreams: Electronics & Computer Engineering at Ngee Ann, Accountancy at an undecided poly, and a proper JC for Hanafie.
Seeing them retake their O's makes me feel guilty. I should have done better at my first attempt. My results were way below my usual standard. I feel as if I've let myself down as well as the teachers at BHSS. Sigh...
Bah...forget about the past...I'll just file my O's away under "Failures & Mistakes" and never open it up unless its required in a life threatening situation. I'm looking forward to the LP concert on the 13th of November...I dunno what to wear there...the usual jeans and a random shirt? I'm definitely gonna buy some LP merchandise there: shirts, caps, any cool LP stuff they have to offer. I'm happy with spending 150 of my dollars to see them live. I missed them the last time they were here and was I pissed at my parents for not letting me go. The world could suffer a nuclear holocaust and I'll still be there.
I saw Qian Hui today again at my Mechanical Practical. The first time was when I was having my break outside the workshop; she came out with some friends and I just looked down trying to make it look as if I didn't see her. Pretty lucky to have some classmates there so I wouldn't look like some loser by himself.
The second time was when I was leaving the workshop after class and I was passing one the many alleys with the welding stations. Knowing my luck, she had to be in the last alley that I had to pass before the entrance/exit. And being so stupid as I am, I looked at her as I passed and it was too late before I realised she was looking back at me. Then she smiled at me. What else could a pathetic guy like me do? I returned the most feeble smile I have ever produced.
It the worst thing ever to stab me inside and twist it around. And I'm helpless in stopping the pain. Its something thats constant; almost 24 hours - when I'm on the bus to school, I see happy couples cuddling and whispering; I'm in a lecture, I see Qian Hui in front of me; I pass by her in the corridor, she smiles at me, yet I can't do anything about it; I'm back on the bus home, I see happy couples again; I try to ignore them by listening to music all I get are dreams of me whispering the lyrics to my non-existent girlfriend.
I get home, and turn on my laptop and all I can do is just stare at it - half hoping my non-existent girlfriend would talk to me on MSN and ask me how my day was. But then again, I live in reality. A place where girlfriends don't exist for me. Wait. Let me rephrase that: A place where no one cares about who I am or what I do.
Thats all I've allowed myself to say to the public. I have a ton more things to say and talk about, but thats only for the very best friends I have. You know who you are.
Sunday, October 21, 2007 . 2:09 PM
1st week of school was pretty good...met all my lecturers except for one on Tuesday where the class got cancelled...I couldn't believe my good luck!! Second day of school and a class gets cancelled...hahaha...bought my books and notes: 2 lecture notes and 2 textbooks; total of $46.30. Thats pretty cheap compared to other books which cost like $40+ each. Monday I get Mechanical Practical in the afternoon, and Thursdays I get S&W: Street Soccer. Two most interesting days of the school week. I'm determined to thrash everyone in my class from now on. Not in a arrogant "Mr. Know-It-All" kind of way but more of a quiet thing. I don't plan on doing anything high profile while I'm at Ngee Ann. Not if I can help it anyway. There's going to be fierce competition though. Two others: Frank (ITE graduate, very fast with the practical stuff and very hardworking) and Marcus (King in the Land of the Nerds, specialises in Maths). I'm going to beat them anyway...I'm pissed off that my Semester 1 GPA of 1.96 is almost half their GPA.I've noticed another thing NP. Don't know about other polys but a lot of the NP lectures can't speak English properly....hahahahaha...I have this Engineering Mechanics lecturer (who wrote our textbook) speaks with half-words. Almost all his words are cut short as if he has dentures and it keeps falling out. I also have this CATS lecturer (Creative Applied Thinking Skills) who is so obviously from Hong Kong. He claims he has lived in Singapore for more than 10 years. Hard to believe with that classic accent which is going to keep me amused for the rest of the semester. Just picture BHSS Mr. Choo Hong Gan but with a Hongkee accent. ROFL.
Hung out with Kiff, Xin Yi, Sam & Kar Ho yesterday. I just realised that we use "Sam & Kar Ho" exactly like "Ross & Rachel". lol. I started out with me bumming around at home when Kiff called me at 2pm. I packed and went over to his place to play games and do retarded things. Ate dinner at his place then trotted over to Toa Payoh interchange to meet Sam & Kar Ho. Hung around the staircase waiting for Xin Yi and Kar Ho to finish his night jog. While waiting me, Sam and Kiff discussed Kiff's situation and I must say it doesn't look good.
Anyway, we went over to Kar Ho's place to fool around and watch the Man U - Villa match. Actually just the guys were watching. The girls just sat in the living room and chatted. I like to imagine what happens between girls when they're alone. At night. Heheheheh. Very satisfied with the score by the way. 4 - 1.
Okay, moving on to another topic, my parents are going to get a new study table for me within a week from Ikea. No matter what happens, I will make sure they order the dark wood coloured one. I'm sick of getting furniture thats beige-wood coloured. My room doesn't have anything that is darker than brown teak. And I want this leather rolling chair from Ikea to go with my new table. Its sooooooo comfortable and it only costs $118. Knowing my parents, they would rather eat bird crap than buy me that chair, so I guess I have to save up and get it myself. Sigh. I want so many things yet I don't have the money for it. I want a temporary job. Not a part time one; I don't want work to interfere with my studies.
I'm getting Season 3 of Friends tomorrow or Tuesday. And this time I'm going to hunt for the Region 1 version from US. I regret so much getting the Region 3 version of Season 2 the last time I went to HMV because the Region 1 was out of stock. Its so lousy!! It didn't have those great extra features that the Region 1 has. So heart pained when I could have used that money to get a Region 1 version from somewhere else. If I have to hunt for the Version 1 throughout this puny country, I will.
I'm gonna watch DBZ now...I'm at Cell Saga!! I'll probably update again on Wednesday or Thursday. =)
Sunday, October 14, 2007 . 8:14 PM
Its back to school tomorrow...dammit...the 2 month holiday was great but I don't want it to end...zzz..Its very much more relaxed this semester...only Monday I get class from 8 to 5..every other day it starts around 9 or 10 and ends by 2 or 3...weeeeee!! And I've got one less module this semester too!! Plus there's no ELTECH!!WOOOOO!!! There's Analogue Electronics though...hope it isn't like Electrical Technology...killer/stupid module...there's Engineering Mechanics!! Finally something I do thats related to my diploma...and last but not least.....:SPORTS & WELLNESS!!! WEEEEEEEEEE!!! SPORTS!! At last I get to do some physical stuff to work off the fats...bleah...even Hanafie commented that I put on weight...scared the crap out of me...I've been missing Sam a lot nowadays;I've got NO ONE to talk to on MSN!!! Every time I'm bored and I check who's online, there's absolutely no one I can talk to...so depressing...Sam's the only person in my life that actually shares a lot with me and UNDERSTANDS me...arggggghhhhhh.....so frustrating every evening having no one to look forward to.
An interesting block of text caught my eye at Xin Yi's blog today: She seems really frustrated and disappointed with Kiff. What with him not caring about her, not being there for her, not appreciating what he does for her and how much she cares for him. She also said that she didn't care for his numerous presents but would rather appreciate quality time spent with him. Saddened me by a great deal. Spent the whole day thinking about the two of them. I know I'm not exactly Hitch but either the both of them aren't talking to each other or they have talked but Kiff isn't doing anything about it. Okay, I've only seen her side of the story but if this is the truth about the situation then I have to say its pretty bad.
To top off the whole bucket of emotions, she also remarked on his ego. If I were him I would be screaming in blind rage if I read that line. Everyone has a certain amount of ego; more so in males; and even more so in males with an extra amount of confidence. Throw in academic and social status followed by past achievements, what you're going to get is quality pride and ego.
You don't have to be Freud to know that if you take a stab at this concoction, the victim will definitely not take it like an award. I know, because I have a similar ego but the difference is, I know when to admit my mistakes, accept it and amend them. With Kiff, he defends himself first, followed by attempting to shift the blame elsewhere. I'm not accusing him of anything: thats the way he is. I've learnt to accept that and I don't have anything against it.
Regarding this build up of ego, it probably was a combination of his secondary school life, his enrollment in his stereotypical course Leisure & Resort Management and his various CCAs including Dancing and Wake Boarding. I have had my share of achievements and triumphs; yet I have never exploited and leeched that into my social status. Yes, academically I have attained one of the highest status, but that is inevitable when I receive awards for my efforts. Despite all that, my social life is unaffected. I don't remember looking down on friends who were slower than me, neither did I hold my nose up in the air. (Ryan was a classic example though...)Apart from the occasional impatient burst from me, I made sure that my circle of friends still remained as my friends who I love and appreciate.
Anyway, Kiff has to learn one day that there are many more things that he is still ignorant about. Not just academically and money-wise. Once again I am not condescending him, but rather making an observation.
Thats all I'm going to say for now, so good luck to those two. Now I'm gonna watch DBZ: Android Saga!!
Thursday, October 4, 2007 . 2:07 PM
I'm gonna be very open and honest in this post. I NEVER EVER talk to anyone about my dreams; but today I've decided that last night's dream has more significance and importance in the social department than ever before. And I'm not exactly an expert on stuff like this so I better let it out before I explode. Before I begin here's an F.Y.I: I've never dreamt of anything like this before in my life. Ever.I start the dream by being in someone's living room watching TV. Its probably a girl's living room. I just felt that it belonged to a girl. As I open my eyes in the dream, everything else a blur other than the sofa, coffee table, the TV and the girl. Strangely enough, there was a couple sitting on the sofa watching TV with us. The girl and I were on the carpeted floor watching TV as well. I remember the couple on the sofa were having a nice time watching TV together.
After a while, the couple disappear and I'm left with the girl watching TV. For some reason, the girl and I started getting close to each other, still sitting on the floor. As we watched TV, I suddenly found ourselves leaning against each other, feeling very calm, fulfilled and content. Then my head leaned slowly to her shoulder; the second my head was resting on her shoulder, I knew who the girl was. It was Kasey Shoff (Kevin's sister).
I was pleasantly surprised yet still calm and happy. We stopped watching TV and started cuddling on the floor with me brushing her hair with the back of my hand, and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. All this time she didn't speak but just smiled and looked at me with her brown eyes. Somehow I could see that she was wearing a blue t-shirt. After a while I had this feeling that I had to leave her. It wasn't something serious nor was I sad to leave. Something was making me leave that living room. I kissed her forehead to say goodbye but she started to kiss me back on my lips.
I felt wonderful as I started to kiss back but I felt that something starting to pull me away from her. I felt neither regret nor sadness. The living room was slowly engulfed in a colour darker than black and I reappeared somewhere else.
This time I was standing in Kar Ho's garden at the car park rooftop. And I wasn't alone; Sam was standing in front of me. But this time I felt so much sadness and guilt. The moment I saw her, I started crying like I had lost everything in the world, like nothing else mattered to me anymore. I couldn't stop crying and crying; tears just kept pouring out and all I could do was sob. Sam walked up to me, hugged me and I hugged her back like there was no one else left in the world. I hugged her so tightly and never ever wanted to let her go again.
As I just stood there crying and hugging her, there was so many things I wanted to say, so many truths I wanted to reveal. But I couldn't because I was sobbing and shuddering.
Sam comforted me and I slowly felt better; but one thing remained. I still felt empty inside of me, as if I had nothing left to live for.
Kar Ho's garden began to black out and I knew it was time for me to leave again. I hugged her until I couldn't see her in the darkness.
Once again, the blackness dissolved and I straight away I knew who was with me this time. The surroundings were a strange fusion of her home and Temasek Poly. I looked around me and I saw Grace Lee standing a distance away from where I was. She didn't seem to know that I was watching her. She looked like she was waiting for someone along the side of the road.
A few moments later, a guy who's face I couldn't see came up to her and she smiled. They walked off holding hands and I just stood there watching. This time I felt nothing - without emotions. Although I knew who she was, I saw her as a stranger from the streets.
I turned and started to walk away. I welcomed the blackness to take me away now.
Thats the end of my dream. The next thing I know was me being rudely woken up by my stupid gay bro screaming and shouting at my maid for waking him up for school.
I so seriously wanted to go up there and beat him senseless and buy him a coffin.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007 . 1:56 PM
I'm bored...as usual...1.56pm on a Tuesday afternoon at home, after summer school class. Watched my fill of Dragonball Z, played Fifa 08 and now I've decided to put two rare pieces of art up on my blog:
Very interesting. Kinda wished I had viewed this mobile art gallery with my own eyes at Ms Lim's house instead of going for a disappointing trip to meet Heroes.
I've been feeling all emotional again. Somehow, my mind went blank, and I couldn't stop myself from going into Friendster and clicking on _____ ___'s name and looking through a few of her photos. Felt so sad, angry and all messed up inside.
Anyway, I managed to pry myself away from that horrible place. I think Backstreet's Boy's latest song kinda fits where I am now:
Baby, I don't wanna waste another day,
Keeping inside of me its killing me,
Cause all I ever want it comes right down to you,
I'm wishing I could find the words to say,
Baby, I would tell you every time you leave,
I'm inconsolable.
Sigh. Screw you. What did I say? What did you do? How did I fall in love with you?
Stop messing with me. I've got a maths exam this Friday. Leave and never come back; you're banished from my heart.
