Thursday, November 27, 2008 . 4:57 PM

I have so many emotions in me that I feel like simply withering away and dying. Frustration, worry and anxiety are the three major ones, just tumbling around like a clothes dryer. Its all so messed up that I don't know which to handle first and time is passing by so quickly that I'm afraid that if I don't deal with it quickly, everything will just collide and there goes everything I've tried to work for.

I'm worried to death about my school work. I just can't seem to keep up in class...everything is taught twice as fast compared to secondary school. Nobody seems to be able to help me and the two classmates who actually can, are either bad in communicating or a lousy teacher. If I don't graduate with a good GPA (which is probably ruined from the first few semesters) I'll never make it into a local university.

I'm in a financial crisis. Worried sick about paying off a huge debt that I owe...while I wish I could make use of the holidays and try to catch up on school work, I have to slog two shifts everyday to earn that little bit of money.

I'm depressed with my weight. I have a belly that is still sagging even though I've lost 2kg. That's pathetic compared to my classmate who lost 6kg in 2 months. I try to go for a run once every two days but for the past week I can't seem to find the energy to do so. Trying to get through the day in school is already a challenge.

My parents aren't making it easier either. Every few weeks my dad will come into the room and ask me what I'm going to do after I graduate. I keep telling him I don't know yet and he walks away with a disappointed look on his face. I wish I could be a pilot but with my school results, who's going to take me in? I've considered continuing a Mechanical Engineering degree and signing up to be a regular in the SAF. At least I have a peace of mind that I'm protected from retrenchment.

And I just feel so tired everyday. No matter how much I sleep at night, I always struggle to stay awake in class. I try to pay attention but I give up because the lessons are already way ahead of what I understand.

I always thought I knew what I wanted in life. But now I start to doubt every decision I make. I can't seem to do anything right these days...I wish I had someone to make all my decisions for me and guide me through and out of this phase of my life. Teen years are supposed to be the most enjoyable in life; I guess its not the same for me.

I thought of signing up for the Joint Poly-SAF scheme where the SAF pays for my diploma before I have to fulfill a 5 year contract with them including NS. It sounds like a good idea, to give myself time to think about what I want. I don't think my parents would welcome this idea though...They would rather I graduate with my diploma, serve my time in NS and then move straight on to university. What do you think?

Friday, November 7, 2008 . 5:59 PM

You have no idea how relieved I was when I got back from a run last Monday. The 600grams went away!!! Weird huh? My plans to run twice this week are ruined though...Goddamn you Influenza...you should go infect some other alien species instead.. I don't think I can run again until Tuesday. Which means I would have 7 full days of weight gaining activities...

Oh...and my dad popped by just a few seconds ago...had that fucking irritating stance...slightly cocky and "You will do what I say" kind of attitude..told me that I better be "engaged" at home...

Q: Why didn't I leave my room so my brother can have tuition in the room?
A: The tutors keep changing their timing schedules..how would I know when to leave?
Counter-answer: You can hear the doorbell right? (Does that mean I have to go to the door all the time and check who it is?)

Q: Why this morning I have to force you to ask the maid where the bag of doctor appointment cards are?
A: (Silent) Wtf? Why should I ask the maid where those are? Are you not the proper person to ask? Maybe next time I should ask the maid where my passport is? Or maybe what I should do if I get arrested? Or maybe I should also ask her what shoes should I buy next?

Q: What do I have to do to get you to be more engaged?
A: (Silent)

Q: Give me a solution!!
A: Dunno.

Q: Ok..If you don't know a solution, then I will offer one to you. I will remove your laptop when I come back from my run. That is option A. Option B is you give me a solution. And this is not a threat.
A: (Silent) (Not a threat? I dunno if I wanna laugh or blow my top. And if I don't do my online quizzes for school and I get 0 and I manage to fail my module then its your fault asshole.)

Q: (Points to my shirt on my table as he leaves the room)And I don't like this here.
A: (Silent) (Wtf la!?!? I don't tell you what I don't like in your room right?)

Oh well...that's my dad...I actually thought he became a little nicer after he left his SIA job...guess I'm wrong..same ol' same ol' asshol'...

Gotta go prepare an argument in my head before he comes back...dickhead...

Sunday, November 2, 2008 . 6:41 PM

I'm depressed about my weight again...just a few days ago I had two plates of pasta and I gained 600 grams just like that. So demoralising that I couldn't even complete my usual 5km run all the way. I wish I had more time to work out though...I don't want to jump from a long run to studying for a common test next week. Its too much hassle to worry about my weight together with grades and everything else. I feel like I'm 30 years old.