Friday, September 11, 2009 . 7:22 AM

I'm going to be late for school because I'm typing this.

Bryant, you're a Class A fool do you know that? Since the day you were born, you have been making the wrong decisions in life. Everything has more or less been laid out nicely in life for you. Sometimes you think you're less fortunate than others. Other kids had toys while all you got were story books and educational puzzles. In a way that's better than toys because I learnt alot of stuff. But in the process, look what it made me today? I'm objective driven, efficient, technical and a perfectionist. You give me a job to do and I will complete it as close to perfection as I possibly can.

Some of you are probably thinking: Wow...I wish I could be like him. So naturally smart. He can study almost any subject and he knows almost all the answers to everything. He can solve almost any problem I give him.

Sure, if you put it this way, then yes. I am all those things. But let me tell you something. This world thrives and survives on balance. 1 + 1 = 2. If I take away 1 on one side, I have to add 1 on the other side 0 + 2 = 2. Yes, I do realise that I'm generally smarter and intuitive than other people but what I have sacrificed for all this are emotions and communication.

Don't get me wrong. My EQ is pretty sensitive. I can tell a person's mood when most other people can't, but the problem is that I don't know how to let it out verbally or through body language. When a person walks into a room, the first thing is look at is his eyes. I'm able to look deep within his eyes and judge his feelings. But if he's sad and blue, I won't know how to console him and make him feel better. If I know the person well, I would probably offer a listening ear and offer any advice I think would be useful. If I didn't know him that well, you would probably see me saying something like "Eh....why so late!!!" to cover up any sign that I'm aware of his feelings.

Many people around me have suffered because of this. My girlfriend, my friends and my family. (Most of you are thinking right now: Eh...look. He placed his girlfriend first followed by friends and his family last. Such an unloving person.) I'm afraid that's true. It all started out with my family. They were the first to experience this under developed side of me. Whenever I was angry or sad I didn't know how to tell them. I felt like they couldn't help me with anything so I just kept quiet and locked myself in my room and blasted music depending on my mood. Many years went by and I slowly distanced myself from them to a point where sometimes I don't even say a word to anyone in the house for a day. The one member of my family to experience the worse of this is my brother.

The next to suffer from this are my friends. Generally BHSS people. I know alot of my classmates used to hate my guts back in school. Bryant the jackass. Bryant thinks he knows every damn thing. Bryant has all the answers and jumps in everytime to act like the hero. Unfortunately yes. I do jump in most of the time with the right answers but I honestly did not do it because I wanted to be the hero. I just felt that if I couldn't be a social person, then I have to work on my strengths. I felt that if I didn't make myself noticed, then I would be a loser and a nobody in this world. Let's be honest. You already know I'm not great at socialising. I'm not fantastic at sports either. All I wanted was some status amongst the people I knew. When people around you slowly leave your life, you always remember them because of something. Every class had people with status. Like John the handsome one. Or Tom the sporty one, always scoring goals. Or Daniel the joker, always making people laugh. Or Michael the rich one. But who was I? I was none of those. In fact, I was pretty much a nobody. I wanted to be heard and seen, but most of all I wanted to be remembered. That's why I did all those things. Guys, I know its been 3 years since we all last sat together as a class but for all those things I've said and done to hurt each and everyone of you, I'm truly sorry. I can't take anything back but I can only hope you can forgive me.

The latest person to take this crap from me is Esther. To be honest, I'm a little surprised she hasn't threatened to leave me or anything. All the little stupid things that I've done to make you upset are all linked to what I am. Another thing is that I have this need to please everyone around me. Even if I'm overloaded with work and someone asks me to help him, I'll say yes. Even when I'm broke and someone wants to borrow money, I'll say yes. Maybe I'm a fool and a pushover but somehow I always put myself in their shoes and pity them. If I were them and someone was kind enough to help me out, I would be so ever grateful. But I think its time I learnt how to say no. I have to learn how to prioritise things in life. I'm not using my parents as an excuse for what I've become because every parent has their own specific way of bringing up their child. I'm trying to change for you and everyone else because I don't want to lose any of you. Especially you. It's not easy but I'll try my very best. If you do happen to find out what methods I'm using to make myself a better person, don't laugh okay? It may seem ridiculous but if it works, why not use it?

You're a wonderful person. You're a girlfriend and a friend. You've been so patient with me and my stupidity all this while and I thank you for that. I've made plenty of bad decisions in life but being with you is definitely the best one I've ever made. I think I've changed a little so far because these days when I'm stressed at school or when I'm feeling down, I just have this urge to call you and talk to you. Before that, all I did was to go home, blast music and sleep it off. But let me tell you that is wonderful to hear your voice after a long day and hear out my problems.

I know you don't trust me anymore. I'm hoping that would change soon. But for now, that's what I deserve.